beginning of an end or an end to a beginning?

Why we are sceptical and uncertain towards any change that crops up in our life? Wouldn't it be too boring if everything was repetitive and monotonous; meeting the same set of faces daily, going to the same place to study/work, having the same plain yellow dal for dinner. Well, don't know about others, but for me a change after every short period of while is a must. But that is a different thing that I am the first one to break down when they actually knock at my door ;).

So, after spending 4 long years (19% of my life; please do not take me as a nerd..was just emphasizing the time I had depleted) doing B.Tech, I am desperately looking forward to welcome a change. One main reason being that I do not see myself evolving further (so that means that the role of college life is over..saturated..exhausted, it made me what I am today). Further avenues untouched, unexplored, unimagined await me, bait me. This by no mean means, that I wouldn't miss my college. It was full of fun, bonding, bunking, photo shoots, pleads for phokat ki attendance, movies, momos, cuppas, photostats, arguments, clashes, bitching( girls and bitching go hand in hand. 60 girls, 120 hands..now imagine the level and amount of bitching). Though I wish it was co-ed (neighbouring college crowd made the situation even worse =P).

It took me a good amount of time to come to the terms of the change when the school life ended, hope things do not repeat themselves this time. Hope I don't get lost when it actually ends, and go into seclusion.

4 amazing years they were after all =).

when you love someone...

"I loved you. It was not a weight you must carry around. I loved you. It was not a box that holds you in. I loved you. It was not a standard you have to bear. I loved you. It was not a sacrifice I make. I loved you. It was not a pedestal you are frozen upon. I loved you. It was not an expectation of perfection. I loved you. It was not my life's whole purpose (or your's). I loved you. It was not to make you change. I loved you. It was not even to make you love me. I just loved you & will always do that as it is just the most purest n sacred form of relationship for me that is beyond evryone's sagacity & even yours.

But see the irony you made it a crime for me for which I have been forced to repent time n again but i guess now I am tired of repenting & suffering, so I am just simply giving it up...:)"

This bit of piece has been penned down by my friend P.J (has become an amazing one of late). And the occasion was, her boy friend ditching her. Arnt guys sick and tired of doing that over and over again, of committing then backing out?

"She wants to believe his every word, his assurance that he would never leave her, he would be her strength in intricate times ..she hesitates, for the fear that all these words might not be true. But she loves that person, and she is bound to trust him. And when her belief gets stronger, he aint there =) ..long gone.."

Well thought of adding this, coz just felt like..or rather could relate to it..identify with it =) =)

marching ahead :)

I'm happy..
I feel like flying high..
there is not even a remorse of sigh..
shoved aside your deep carved memories,
that were plaguing the soul of mine..
resting peacefully in a graveyard they now lie

spring

gone are the days when we had nothing to talk
gone are the days when we were shadows apart
gone are the days when silence wasn't peace
here we are turning to a new leaf

Crib till it rips you apart!!

I'm sad and I'm cribbing for the current state of my life. The other day I was talking to my friend & he was cribbing about what life has given him. Its of the most common notion that we all go through when we are going through a tough phase or should I say cant handle the situation anymore!!Why is it that, when things start falling flat on their face, we start cribbing and dismissing them as the most horrible thing to ever have happened to us?

When the going gets tough most of resort to, the old age formula of cribbing and I'm no different.

Questions of all sort that are responsible for the current state of one's life, start making their presence felt. How-so-ever we might dislike people for cribbing, about their bosses not giving them an off, about how their parents would never understand that they have grown up to be on their own, about how their ex's were unfaithful to them and so-on and so-forth, the fact would remain that we are never content with what our past has given us, how our present is shaping up and what our future will hold (how can we be optimistic and look ahead to a happier life, when our past was a pain in the ass and the present is a pain in..ah whatever).

In spite of being surrounded by people who never fail at an opportunity to get envious of people succeeding at their workplace (mind you, I am not cribbing about people around me), I have always failed to understand that what is it that makes a person so bloody full of hatred for others. High time we get out of the mentality of the 'Grass being greener on the other side'. We all fail in exams, job interviews, meeting expectations, love..whatever..but the true essence of anything that comes after that failure cannot be surpassed had you got that thing in the very first place. And remember that 'It happens to the best of Us'. So what if you were lucky at the second go!!!

Defying certainity..defying death

Dream 1: Down went the hill. So steeper and steeper i fell, from a monstrous, sturdy mountain into a dark gloomy pitfall. And there i met death. I embraced it with grace, as if this what i had always wanted but yet was ever so reclusive to accept it.

Dream 2: Catch me if you can. I am running, running as fast as i could. My feet trying to catch the tick tock pace of my heart. If not by being murdered, i would actually die of a heart attack. I am running out of breath..Huh..Huh.Oh God, i am hoping that it is a dream, a bad dream...

Dream 3: A Visit to a Doctor. I haven't been feeling good at all. Rightfully so, i paid a visit to the doc. He diagnoses me with a terminal disease. Echoes of crying, sobbing and grief fills the atmosphere with utmost disgust.

Present: Death, hot topic of atonement for my dreams these days. By far, the most dreaded and the certain aspect of our lives, but we still cant come to the terms that this world can live without us. Why are jitters sent down the spine, even at the mention of this word? Is life that big a thing? Can it be called a thing? Is it the only and the last chance that we get to live? What if there is yet another life after death? How would i live there without my close ones? Would that mean I would die all over again?

What does life mean to you? If life was that important a gift, we wouldnt have let it go waste..as most of us are resorting. That includes me as well..mind you. The way you unwrap the gift MATTERS!!! Rushing up to unveil the gift would destroy the quintessential essence of the very gift. What we get at the end makes the whole thing worthwhile. Similarly at the end one would fall pray to death, but having made your ride worthwhile is what would give you calmness and serenity.

Death is certain, no one is immortal. We all are going to fall prey to the ultimate fiasco. What is disturbing is to loose yourself to the worldy things while you are still alive. What ever your desires are, whatever you dreams are..you need to make them happen in the short span that has been given the name of 'life'.

That's another question to ponder over whether all those desires, dreams were worth spending your life at. We'll get back to it sometime later. :)

Special Bonding

Sometimes I do not pray in words,
I take my heart in my two hands.

And hold it up before the Lord,
I am so glad He understands.

Sometimes I do not even pray in words,

My spirit bows before His feet.
And His hand upon my head,

We just hold communion, silent, sweet

Sometimes I do not pray in words,
For I am tired and long for rest.

And my heart finds all it needs,

Just resting on the saviour's gentle breast.

random

Why is the sun shying away
from being eclipsed by the clouds,
For the exquisiteness of the sky lies in their mould

Why are the leaves not dancing, wrenching
to the rhythm of the wind,
For the serenity of their melody can’t be matched by anything

Why is the dawn of new optimism, ardor
not beckoning the dusk,
For that would have put an end to the distressed moans and perpetually dwindling trust

Why are you not soothing my ears with
what I long to hear,
For that would put an end to my miseries, desolation ..fears

God's hated child

Nobody likes being hated, being ridiculed, being slammed for every petty thing one ventures to do. If i am different from others, does this mean my foresights into the insights deserve no respect?I feel like a slave today, shattered by the atrocious remarks of people over my beliefs. My beliefs, my ideals today stand on weaker grounds as they cry for support. Creating a trail for myself does not seem to be coming easily today...I am forced to bear the brunts of those treading on the normal path.
I feel dejected, rejected, alone in a population of trillions. Faith today is interrogating my presence. Why am i different in a way, that i am being hated? Is there nobody to squeeze me out of this perturbation? Is there nobody amongst the zillions to protect me from drowning in a pool of tensions. Have humans reached this far, that they have to confide in a non-living entity like a blog or a diary?
Aaah...How lonely i feel today! Nobody to console me, nobody who can lift up my spirits or atleast give peace to my soul. It feels today, that i better become friends with lonliness, coz its the only thing that has walked with me all through my life...

dasvidaniya

The clock was striking 2am. I was feeling all heaved up after watching another john disaster. I fail to appreciate how can one pay no heed to horrible acting for a butt show. Agreed John has one of the best 'HOT BOD' in the business, agreed that he has the looks of 'it' guy, but keeping consentements a distance apart from differences, the bottom line remains that he simply cant act.

God..i was bitterly reminded of Garam Masala. Enough was enough i thought and life must be go on. I searched for more movies in the hard disk which was choked with an array of viruses( who would have taken the pain to scan 165MB when i am very well aware of my anti virus's competence). After probing a few movies, i decided to watch dasvidaniya( i earlier thought that it was dasvidandiya and has something to do with navratras). Dasvidaniya, a Russian word, meaning the best good bye, was an absolute delight to watch. I cant remember getting so moved by any movie. Amar(the lead character) had such an indistinguishable and undeniable charm that i wept throughout the length with him. The simplicity with which he made 10 things to do before he dies, the innocence with which he expressed his feelings to his childhood love, the helplessness he went through by keeping mum about his illness and the determination with which he mastered guitar, were truly awe inspiring.
Inspiring neah..he was much more than that..outta this world.